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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.