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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".