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Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.