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If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..