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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.