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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.