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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.