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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...