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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”