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I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.