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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
why me is me ?
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be