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Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.