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So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!