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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.