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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
i don`t know what to say on your comment so i just hit "like" so you won`t be upset that ignored you.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.