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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...