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If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.