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Iām single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
life is too short to match socks
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......