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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.