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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Gravity is a real downer.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.