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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...