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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.