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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!