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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.