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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.