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I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.