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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.