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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC