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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
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