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What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.