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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.