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I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!