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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.