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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.