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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...