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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face