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First fart at my new job.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.