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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.