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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.