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I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.