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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.