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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Long story short, I love summaries
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.