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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.