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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.