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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
My body needs a refresh button.