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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.