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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I try not to limit my madness to March.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.