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I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.