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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.