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The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!