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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Own the day
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass