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Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.