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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2