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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Never trust a skinny chef
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.