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Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.