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Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Bored, so Iām going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him Iām him from the future.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective