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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!