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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married