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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.