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something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
Some people should come with subtitles.