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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.