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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over