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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.