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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Why do blurry people always ask me if Iām drunk?
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.