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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.