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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone